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I felt today that yesterday’s Pizza Hut buffet lunch buffet, coupled with my late-night ice cream, peanut butter granola bar, and Hershey’s syrup combo, plus blueberry waffle eating binge, had the makins for one messy work deuce today. Today’s adventure, jumpstarted by a large cup of coffee, began at approximately 11:15 am, and led me to the men’s room on the 14 th floor of my building, (the same floor that my humble cubicle resides on.) Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed no foul odor, which was a good sign. The room itself is your typical 2-1-2 configuration: two dumpers, (one for cripples, one for regular people), one urinal, and a dual sink, (common to most of the 29 floors in my building that have been renovated.) I poked my head in the cripple dumper, as the oversized stall is always my preference. It was empty, and at first glance there were no visible signs of poop streaks, pubes, or puddles. The regular-people-dumper was also empty, so I proceeded to the sanitary cover dispenser, and then claimed my handi-stall. I was a little excited because upon my initial scan, I noticed a section of newspaper, and some type of magazine. After closing and locking the stall door, and hanging my SSC (sanitary seat cover) on the door hook, I took a closer look at the reading material and noticed I had a local sports section, and some sort of auto-trader to browse. Using a few pieces of toilet paper, I cleaned the U-shaped seat, and the part of the bowl itself where my wang was about to rest. I tore off three more 2 ft. sections of t.p. and draped them over the part of the bowl I just described. Four more pieces were then draped over the seat in a similar fashion – two on each side of the break in the seat toward the front. I was now ready for the SSC. I laid it down on the freshly clean and wangular-friendly seat for that bit of added protection. Once sitting down, it wasn’t long before poop was flowing, and it was quite effortless. I grabbed the sports section which sat on the floor before me and discovered that Larry Centers, a former Buffalo Bills fullback, was excited about his recent signing with the New England Patriots. As shit continued to fall, I read on about Tiger Woods’ sudden switch back to a Titleist driver, opting against the new custom Nike driver, for which he was recently paid 9 hundred billion dollars to endorse. During the story, I was mildly interrupted by an intruder who thankfully only needed to urinate, but then took a little too long to wash his hands. Four squirts of soap are not necessary. I read on, awaiting my final pee squirt to let me know I was finished shitting, and with incredible timing it came just as I finished the article. I began wiping, expecting to be there a few more minutes, but I was pleasantly surprised as it looked to be a clean break. A few more wipes, and I was golden. This was almost a textbook shit from start to finish… a clean dumper, decent reading material, almost no interruptions, and a clean break. Although leaving the bathroom, a loaded feeling in my gut made me think that there was a good chance I could be back later. |
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